diff --git a/functions/uptime.js b/functions/uptime.js
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b10b8cf
--- /dev/null
+++ b/functions/uptime.js
@@ -0,0 +1,17 @@
+module.exports = () => {
+  const tSeconds = process.uptime();
+
+  const tDays = parseInt(tSeconds / 86400);
+  const tHrs = parseInt((tSeconds % 86400) / 3600);
+  const tMins = parseInt((tSeconds % 3600) / 60);
+  const tSecs = parseInt(tSeconds % 60);
+  // We can probably just return tSeconds (totalSeconds) instead of parsing.
+  // So that was a fucking lie.
+
+  const days = tDays + (tDays === 1 ? ' day' : ' days');
+  const hours = tHrs + (tHrs === 1 ? ' hour' : ' hours');
+  const minutes = tMins + (tMins === 1 ? ' minute' : ' hours');
+  const seconds = tSecs + (tSecs === 1 ? ' second' : ' seconds');
+
+  return `${days}, ${hours}, ${minutes}, ${seconds}`;
+};